Today, I don’t feel very well. It’s mainly because of the following things:
1. It’s Father’s Day. And I don’t have a father anymore. He died almost two years ago and lately I’ve been kinda sad about it. Realizing it’s Father’s Day is then a really scornful reminder of the fact that he isn’t alive anymore; that he isn’t with us anymore… also, it’s Christmas soon and even though I’ve started to like Christmas more and more, the past holidays have been very sad because he died a few weeks before Christmas. Also, the last holiday I spent with him was really bad: our family had a fight and on top of that I was pretty drugged the whole day (en sargad kärleksförklaring till något som värmer när du sviker; något som skänker allt du inte kan ge. något som du aldrig kan förstå). It makes me feel so sad and guilty to think that my last Christmas with dad was that messy.
2. I’ve felt more and more depressed lately. Negative thoughts about life and death fill my mind on a daily basis and sometimes I don’t want to do anything at all. This is mixed with regular attacks of panic anxiety and a very annoying restlessness in my body, which I can’t seem to get rid of no matter what I do (tristessen har fått mig att förstå att verkligheten inte är en plats för mig.) The feeling is sometimes so strong that it makes me angry. And I hate being angry, because I have a problem controlling it. Some people might say that emotions shouldn’t be controlled, just let it all out… but when something makes you break stuff and hurt yourself + others physically or mentally, it’s absolutely necessary.
3. I’m disappointed because a friend forgot that we’d decided to hang out at my place today. I waited for hours for her to come by and since I kinda planned my day after meeting with her, I didn’t do anything good with the time spent waiting. Of course I still love my friend- but that doesn’t mean I like that sorta behavior. Even if the person responsible didn’t mean any harm, it hurts. Like now: I was looking forward to this day ever since we planned it so when it didn’t happen I was very sad. Besides, when people forget that we have planned something together, I usually start having these really bad thoughts about myself. E.g. that if I wasn’t such a bad person, people wouldn’t forget about me. The little cocoon of self-love I built up the other day often falls apart when something like this happens. God, my self esteem is so fragile from time to time.
4. I think about food all the time. Well, not just food but also cookies and salty snacks. And you must understand that by all the time, I really mean all the time. These thoughts are really hard to get rid of and therefore even harder not to get stuck on (no matter what, I end up with this mindnumbing feeling). I also want to comfort myself with junk food every time I feel sad, angry or tired. I’ve even had a few binges recently. It all reminds me of how I felt when I was bulimic- the only difference is that today I neither starve nor purge. I only think about food all the time. It disgusts me as it doesn’t remain only as a thought- it becomes an action too. I give in to the cravings and can’t seem to stop once I’ve started. It’s so easy telling me to just stop eating but it doesn’t work like that. Anyone who’s had an E.D. should know that. And if you know it, then maybe you’re also familiar with the feeling of fear and having no control. Yes, this really scares me since I don’t want to die at an early age because of some heart disease caused by too much junk food! Neither do I want to become fat. I’ve been chubby because of medication and I hated it. I want to be slim.
5. YouTube isn’t working for me right now. I mean, that’s truly a Western world problem but under todays’ circumstances it makes me feel extremely annoyed. There are some (probably) awesome movies I’d like to watch but I can only find them on YouTube. Of course, I can go for some other movies instead, but I really wanted to watch these movies today. Kinda feels like I’m dying to view them. *poop in a poodle anus*
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I know, I know. This is not a happy post but then, again: this is not a happy day. You can, however, try to make it happy by telling me something nice. Like a story about something wonderful which happened to you recently. Or maybe something comforting which relates to my story (and no, telling me to cheer up since I at least have a bed to sleep in, isn’t such a thing). Perhaps a solution to the You Tube problem, hah hah!
(All italic text in this post is taken from various songs by Lifelover.)
Läs även andra bloggares åsikter om candy, dålig självkänsla, hetsätning, känslor, nedstämdhet, panikångest, personligt, psykisk ohälsa, rastlöshet, tröstätning, ätstörningar
